Remembering Stacks

I know I post the fuck out of this song.  But I don’t care.  I heard it again tonight when I had 5 minutes alone and I cried.

…he even fakes a toss

I had been thinking for a while now, about how I want to remember everything, the whole reason I write this blog.  And how, so very often a song comes on and it immediately transports me to another time and place.  A time and place that I truly lived.  I can honestly say that music, in whatever form, has been a driving force in my life.  I know most people could probably say that, but if you know me…like really really know me, you know this is true.  Truer for me than for most, you’d probably say.

It’s not often, however, that I can remember the first time I heard a song.

But this song, Re: Stacks by Bon Iver, and the moment I first heard it will stay with me until the day that I die.

I was probably just slightly overdue with Marigold at the time, and was living the ultimate wait and see routine–a classic life theme I’ve adopted from my favourite book, The Cider House Rules by John Irving.  I was just finishing up some housework and the upstairs of our then apartment was at it’s brightest point of the day.  You know how sometimes rooms have a time of the day where the outside light is just perfect and it makes you love your space in no way that furniture or design could ever do?  I have been fortunate to have this in almost all of my apartments in the city and I sincerely promise to never take that for granted.

the light at 195

It was that time of the day for 195 Grace Street.  It was that day where I thought I was truly ready for this life changing event that was about to occur.  I had been walking tons, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, and having what seemed like copious amounts of sex for a huge pregnant person (looking back it was probably just once or twice, it just seemed like a lot because I was massive AND exhausted) hoping to induce labour.  I was ready.  And then I heard this song.

It came on the radio.  I stopped, walked into the beautifully lit living space.  I sat down and I started to cry.    If I close my eyes and listen right now, I am overcome by the same feeling I had that day.  I can hear myself singing a little harmony on the chorus, as I’m want to do even when I’ve never heard the song before.  Somehow, in short six minutes, Justin Vernon of Bon Iver has me questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life, and my ability to do anything in the future.  And suddenly I know that things are never going to be the same.  Suddenly, Peattie herself is never going to be the same.  And it’s like suddenly I’m not ready, not ready for any of this.  And then suddenly it doesn’t matter.  This new addition to my life is going to share something with me that no other two people on earth are going to have, or ever even going to understand.

I’m not really sure what the song is about, and I might be disappointed one day to find out. And it doesn’t really matter because I love the words, the story, the strumming pattern, the melody, the chord progression, I love his voice.  But what I love the absolute most is the last line.  It is a promise, no, it is our promise.

I know there will be plenty of times in my life where I hear this song and it will have other powerful impressions to leave on my heart.  And as time goes on, Stacks will always be about reminding me of where I was, acknowledging where I am now, and dreaming about wherever I’ll be in the future.  But mostly how in all of this, I never want her to forget that her love will always be safe with me.

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4 responses

  1. I have a couple of songs like that. Cat Stevens can put me in a mood for sure. Especially any song in Harold and Maude.Love that little room at 195. I think it's kind of perfect.

  2. It was my most favourite of rooms in that apartment (even though the kitchen had a red and white checked floor)!Harold and Maude is just the best. I do love If you wanna sing out SO MUCH! I used to sing it to Marigold everyday when she was a babe!

  3. I'm with you – I love that song. There's something about Bon Iver that transports you to deep thinking and reflection. Isn’t That Charming.

  4. His music is really great–not my typical taste, but he is really talented!

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