Recently, I returned to work from a year’s maternity leave.  This time I took the whole year to spend time with my little children, to enjoy them while they’re young.  When I left my job last February, there were about 9 people working in the office.  Upon my return, our office staff in Toronto had grown to about 30 people or so.  The positions and offices are mostly filled with people handpicked by my boss, which made the notion of returning to work intimidating.  The folks he selected are star players!  These people are the stand outs in the crowds with which he has shared his working life.  And here I was, some lady he’d been stuck with, re-emerging on the scene.  And this lady questioned her relevance and her capacity to live up to the tasks and mandate set before her.

That first week, we’d been to the doctor and/or hospital multiple times, where Alice was eventually diagnosed with a particularly disgusting and nasty bout of impetigo on both hands, after having some weird mouth virus and four days of fever.  Impetigo is gross and it looks really really painful.  It’s super contagious to other children and basically you have to keep it covered so it doesn’t spread.  Have you ever tried to bandage a baby’s hands?  I learned from this ordeal that babies think band-aids are some tasty shit.  Our solution? Socks on the hands.  And we got some antibiotics, which are an adventure all themselves when trying to administer them orally to a 11 month old.

At around the same time, I became painfully aware of how sharp Alice’s little teeth had become via an awfully wounded nipple, that still hasn’t quite healed after nearly two months.  I’m convinced it will never ever heal, but there is a little glimmer of hope inside me that thinks that maybe one day in the near future, I might be able to nurse her on the left side without recoiling in pain.  Maybe.

So my first week back was a literal hell, between the boobie wound, impetigo, and some shaky days with my husband’s job security (though luckily our concerns were quickly elayed).  The stress of a new childcare arrangement, the TTC commute, and all the on the job learning required to get back up to speed were so much that I was literally collapsing in tears at the end of every day.  I’m stressed just writing about it!

If you’d really like to keep track, you could add in a dash of serious sleep deprivation for the last 6 months and a healthy dose of mummy guilt.  You know, the kind of guilt the eats away at you for not “being there’ for your family who needs you so desperately. I’d failed at meal planning, and doing the grocery shopping to stock our fridge and pantry with the things we’d need to keep us going.  I was behind on laundry, and every room in our apartment had seen much better days.  With all the things I had failed to do, I had no time to make up for it.  No time to run the errands, do the preparations necessary to make this transition slightly smoother for all everyone in our little family.

But then the second week came, and then the third, and the fourth week. And now I feel as though I am rocking along at a fairly respectable and steady pace.  And the pieces?  They’re all falling into place.  I’m learning a lot, I’m quickly getting back up to speed, and I remembered finally that I LOVE WORKING!  I love my job and the people I work with are all really really awesome.  More awesome than I ever could’ve anticipated.  I’m starting to hit my stride and I just love everyone and everything that I’m doing.  Then the end of the day rolls around, and though I have to fight my way on to a streetcar, I’m excited.  I’m excited to come home to the perfect little faces that shine so bright with smiles when they hear mummy come up the stairs.  I’m excited to kiss my handsome husband, who has already started dinner, folded laundry and worked a full day, and is waiting to greet me with a smile just as bright.

This new year, I set my motto as I always do. I knew it was going to be a challenging year with lots of ups and downs and that I would need to stretch to make it all work.  That I’d need to put it all out there on the line to be successful in 2015.  And so I remind myself regularly that this year, I’m going “All In”.  How could I not, my friends……I’ve been dealt the royal flush.