Oh, Toronto! I love you!

Some memories from the last 7 years.  Photos taken by me, or people that I know.
Tippy, Velma and a Jedi, Hallowe’en 2006
Some friendlies at the Garrison, Parkdale Vigoda’s album release
Streets of the Dale
Celebrating together, posed by Parker.
Saturday High Tea
Potato Chips, Sour Cream, Katrin, my Kindred, and my Zee.
Now, where’s my smokes.
Too cool for school in Parkdale
Emily Weedon Wednesday @ the Cameron back in 2007
Delay’s birthday at the Cock and Tail
The Dakotah
Me and Shark Week at the Bovine.
Butter Turkey Thanksgiving, photo by Marilee
My love on Grace
My favourite place in Toronto, outside of Parkdale

Mostly Marigolds

This last year has passed by faster than I could’ve ever imagined.  She walks now.  She talks now.  She has opinions now.  She needs to express herself now.  Holy crap, she is 2 years old!
Each day that passes, I don’t think it’s possible to love her anymore than I already do, and then tomorrow comes, and my love is even stronger.  I am still amazed that I have been blessed by this universe with such a beautiful child, and I get to keep her.  Marigold is indeed very, very special.  She is mine, all mine.
If you had asked me about having children as little as 5 years ago, I would’ve laughed in your face at the thought. And now…I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.  
Happy Birthday, my little Miss Marigold.  You are a true treasure and you bring me so much joy.  
Learning to walk on her first birthday
Mother’s Day

Marigold’s first leaf pile

Working hard at her new easel

My mummy cuts my hair!!
Family Day Snuggles with Daddy

Many Happy Returns

I got some great rewards this week….I feel great about this Moana account. I really feel like they’re strongly prepared for this go live. I think this is one of the most robust implementations yet. I’m also ecstatic about the fact that we were able to surpass the expectation of an existing customer. I worked really hard this week and it was absolutely worth it. And at the end of it all, on top of those amazing feelings of accomplishment, I come home to this absolutely amazing gem of a life.

10 years ago I never would’ve ever have thought like this, but I feel like I’m a living magnet of awesome. I have the pleasure of having really awesome energy surround me, I get to meet awesome people all the time, and my friends are outlandishly awesome, I have a super awesome job with really really awesome customers, I love what I do, I like my boss, who is also awesome, I love all my coworkers and think they are amazingly awesome, I have the BEST cats who are also awesome, I have an awesome apartment in an awesome location, I get to eat awesome food, I get to sleep in an awesome bed with awesome sheets and share my life with the absolute, hands down most rock n’ roll, super cool, ridiculously handsome, hilarious and attentive and awesome partner anyone could ever have.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, that things DO get paid forward. Thank you Universe. Nothing is easy and you have to work really hard to reap the rewards this life has to offer. I’ve found the things I love, and I’m just going to do more of them. Awesome.

I don’t know if that’s your leg or if it’s mine…

I’m trying to use as many outlets as possible to remember things. I guess I have a fear, because I seem to forget EVERYTHING, but it’s scary to forget.

I’m carrying a notebook. I’m writing things down. I’m taking pictures. I’m drawing pictures.

But it’s too late now, because the thing I want to remember most I’ve already started to forget….I wasn’t writing it down, I wasn’t taking pictures, and I’ll soon lose almost all of it. I don’t want to be left with just a few memories of the last 13 years of my life. Now I wish that we would’ve stayed longer at the Sunday afternoon lunches that we were so desperate to escape.

It’s amazing to me that I can be generous with everything else in my life, but not my time. I love to give, but the minute it interferes with my time I’m so very hesitant. I guess that’s something I need to work on.

I hate the feeling of scrambling. Of the last minute rush. I can’t do anything now. I can’t take pictures, this is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the birds, and the trees in his garden, him yelling at my mom, his cooking advice. I want to remember him and Matt together. I want to remember the lawnmower. I want to remember his beard from years ago.

It horrible to say goodbye over and over again. It’s also horrible to not say goodbye. I really can’t say which is worse. And I feel so alone. I know there are so many of my dear dear friends that are around me to support me and help me through this, but the one person that would really understand is so far away. I wouldn’t feel alone if he was here.


And my poor mother. The thought of losing two people that I loved makes me sick. I feel terrible for her. How is she ever going to get over this?

May 12, 2008

This is all because I don’t want to forget any of this.
I come home at night and get into bed with cookies, a bowl of pasta, or even sausages with perogies (and, no, that’s not a euphemism for something, even though it may sound that way). And yes, this is the part I want to remember. I want to remember that I have the best life. I don’t have to worry about crumbs in the bed, because, well, who cares? It’s my bed and they’re my crumbs!

I popped over to Alex’s place tonight for a quick visit, and we ended up down at the Cloak to meet two of our other friends. The first has such a way of making you feel special and important. She’s everything you would want in a sister. She’s smart, and funny, has great style, and she really adds life to any place at any time. The second is so meek, yet evil at the same time and he has such a way of telling stories that you could listen to him talk for hours. He also has the BEST beard in all of Toronto.

Of course I was looking for Jack, are you kidding me? I’m always looking.

Alex and I spent some time discussing my new motus operandi. Which is a new device called the “DateRapeTaserShoe”. You use your foot to taser your prey, and then you lead them out of the bar to get them to “safety”. No, that’s not really my m.o. I’m actually scared to write it, because if I write it, I’ll have to stick with it. Let’s give it a couple more days to see what happens. I’m doing well so far.

And now, the whole reason I’m writing tonight, and always, but especially tonight. I don’t want to forget how I’m feeling. My dear friend is moving from the house he has lived in for over 4 years. I’m so very sad that I can’t say a proper goodbye. It has always been important to me to say goodbye to the places I’ve lived. I want to say goodbye to the place where I’d stumble to drunk in the middle of the night. To the place where I left chocolates and brought balloons. To the place where I danced drunk after an Easter Egg hunt. To the place I called home. To the place where my heart was broken over and over again yet where I felt safe and happy. To the place where I was loved. The last place I was loved.

I know that I never lived there and that all of these things have nothing to do with 30 Roxton Road , but rather the person that lived there. It was him that made me feel those things and made those things happen. I’m sure in the future, he will be a part of my life, even if just vaguely….but for now I need to say goodbye. He’s not going far, he’s actually moving closer, but I’m no longer chasing things I cannot get. It’s a fruitless and heartbreaking effort. And frankly, I’ve had enough of that.